Desteni Forums

Family and Spite

When I started to smoke cigarettes at age 13 I did it because I hated (harsh words but many times as a child I felt that way) my mother, so I did it to spite her.

She would say things like children should be seen and not heard, and “do as I say, not as I do”. This is what she said about cigarettes. So because I was angry with her for who knows what, she most likely said “no” to something I wanted to do. I decided to smoke to get back at her… so she would suffer and feel how I felt when she would tell me what to do. She would say no, and I would sneakily do it anyway. And really it was so I would die from it and –Then she’d be sorry!! Very spiteful stuff I had going on. Now as I write this I see that I had a death wish to spite her! Because what is the most terrible thing that can happen to a parent… that their child dies, or turns out to be a fuck up. This was my rebellion to the mother fucker. I could not stand up to her because you don’t do that to mom. But I could see her most fear and become it. So I started smoking and then drinking and hung out with the kids she didn’t want me to, got into trouble at school. I was turning into her night mare, some one she was ashamed of… her wonderful, cute little baby, was now an embarrassment. Lol wow, didn’t really see how spiteful this all was on my part…
Here she was, just wanting to be a good little program and I wanted to destroy that.

So my spite toward her made me a very angry and sad person and with that I also spited myself as a part of me wanted to destroy myself as revenge to the world.

With in all of this, I did manage to have fun times, though they were mostly alcohol induced but at that time it seemed fun. I managed to get out of the house as soon as I could get work and make money to support myself. I did not want to get married and have kids… because she wanted me to, so another spiteful thing really, also I did not want to be like her.
Well now the smoking with the mother spite is really fucking with my lungs… as family is structurally programmed in the lungs. So all these years of smoking, my old starting point was of spite! Wow and shit!

I did quite a bit of healing on my mother using Louse Hays tapes, but I had fo got about the smoking and spiteful acts that I has done.


I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to use cigarettes as a spiteful act toward my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run my life as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of dying as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self harm and self abuse as spite towards my mother to hurt my mother.

I forgive myself that I have wanted to hurt my mother and make her miserable because I felt that was what she was doing to me.

I forgive myself for purposely wanting to make her miserable like I felt she was doing to me

I forgive myself for all the hate I had towards my mother because she would not let me be and do what I wanted.

I forgive myself for all that spite that I became to purposely hurt my mother.

Shit… I was a real mother fucker to my mother…

I am sorry… what a hateful way to live and want another to live as that.
I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry to have treated another person in that way.

I forgive myself for wanting to hurt her and doing it as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger as live as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful

Hi Adele,

bet you were a real good mirror to your Mom and now yor're wiping it clean again - congrats!


Btw:

I was wanting to be, or rather actually being, a good little program for my eldest - now 21: I even "poisoned" him with ritalin to have him get on with school. I manipulated him into taking it when he was between 12 and 14, off and on though, never on the weekends. Drugging your own kid to make him compliant to a system! That really sucks!

I hated me for that!

I've just realized I've got to do sf on this - wow, the emotions rising inside me just now!

Barbara

my sf

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe I could not stand my son's not succeeding in school and therefore had to drug him into getting along within the system.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe I could do anything about the school situation on external terms.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to want to change my son into s.o. that can cope, instead of realizing that I was the one who couldn't cope.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be dishonest with myself and not realize that it was I that couldn't cope.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to not let myself realize this before.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe I had the right to drug my child in order to make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to give my power away to systems, i.e. the school system, the drugs system, the society system, the survival system, the thought and belief systems, the resulting emotional systems, the family system, the polarity system of good and bad/successful and unsuccessful, the authority system (teachers, my parents).

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to subject myself to perceived workings of society, where I believed that if my son doesn't pass in school, he won't make it in the working environment of society.

I forgive myself that i've allowed myself to buy into my thoughts and beliefs, instead of simply being here as breath esp. when a "situation" came up again.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself not to trust me with me in these "situations".

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself not to trust me and my son as me.

I forgive myself that i've allowed myself to get bodily reactions when thinking of that time.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself not to trust myself as life and breath as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to trust thoughts and feelings and constructs of future events that might result from not giving him ritalin.

I forgive myself that i've allowed myself not to take responsibility for myself as one and equal to my son and instead resorting to a drug in order not to face what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to think that a drug might "heal" the system manifestation of ADD, or at least cover it up long enough to make things work.

---------I'm not convinced about the last one!--------



Any perspectives on ritalin?

Barbara

I think I should rephrase that:

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to want to hide from myself by utilizing a drug to cover things up.

I do not allow myself to hide from myself any more. I trust myself as life and breath in every moment and will not allow myself to use manipulatory "agents" of any kind to not face me and others as me. I allow myself to be HERE.

thx for reading this.

Barbara

Lol that reminds me of something I experienced. I used to be kinda anti-smoking. One day I saw my parents smoke and I was so pissed of at them, and sad, I saw them as weak and foolish. I was 13. My parents were members of a motor club then and we were all at a camping and they were ctually blowing weed but I thought it was cigarette.

My grandparents were more: smoking is stupid dont do it
my parents talked about when thye were young they smoked alot, mom was chain smoker and stopped when she was pregnant of me. She also said if I wanted to try smoking that I could. So they were never "DO NOT SMOKE!!"
Maybe thats why I never had the urge to smoke, I also never had the urge to rebel against my parents or something. I looked more rational to my life, and just didnt do what I found stupid, no matter what my parents thought about it.

But when they (in my eyes) made foolish decisions such as smoking, I wanted to punish them with my own emotions, showing them how much it hurt me. I wanted my mom to think she was a bad mother for smoking lol.

Cool barbara
to see this, tuff stuff
Thanks for sharing, I see that if I was a mother I probably would of done the same thing at the time, not realizing what it implies.

Thanx for sharing Adele!

Thanx for sharing Barbara!


Barbara - you don´t have to forgive yourself for having physical reactions - the physical is assisting and support you as you, showing points to look at and self-forgive.

Have you watched Sunette´s videos on how to work with the physical? The series is called "How Pain supports Enlightenment" (lol) and is assisting practically in terms of how to work with physical pain.


Thank you for sharing yourself here unconditionally - and welcome to the forum

Yes, Bella, I saw the videos. I thought Sunette only meant pain and not also a sinking feeling in the stomach, or even sweaty hands and reactions like that. So I should look for 3 other areas around the feeling in the stomach - that was the primary sensation? A movement of sorts in the stomach area, like a "sinking" feeling, which is gone now...

I'll watch for that on other occasions. Thank you!

Barbara

Mother Spite
My mother and I were (and sometimes still are) complementary Motherfuckers.
When I was a little girl she used to say, "When you grow up you're going to marry John" (a boy from a very wealthy family who lived next door). She didn't say it once in a while, she said it constantly. So I felt like a whore, to put it bluntly.
My life was up for the highest bidder.
She believed she was promoting a wonderful life for me: one of ease and comfort and a social setting a notch above ours, one that she aspired to. It suited her ambitions to not just be affluent, which we were, but to be extremely rich. So throughout my childhood I was told that my goal in life should be to marry someone rich.
To spite her I never did. I tried to motherfuck her the way I perceived that she motherfucked me.
She would say, "wait until you have children, then you'll see how it feels, (i.e., to have a brat like me!)" To spite her I never had children.
I don't even know where to begin with this SF thread. It's so massive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep feelings of hate and dispise towards others and suppress my feelings and emotions, compounding and compressing myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to release myself from feelings of hate and dispise towards others

I forgive myself for not giving myself the chance to open myself up and face myself as what i have accepted and allowed within me to exist as me

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that by not expressing myself and releasing myself from self definitions and held onto feelings and emotions I will repeat situations where I have to face these points again and again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need something else or someone else to apply self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what other beings express and say defines me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am thoughts feelings and emotions

Jorn, thanks for the assistance
I did SF on this last night on my thread "jeanne's SF"
and you brought to my attention other acceptances

I know this question has probably been asked many times before but i can't find the answer: how it is that we are, each of us, responsible for ourselves as manifested systems? Did I, before I came into 3D, agree at some level, to accept being a system? Have I not read the material thoroughly, am I missing some fundamental point?

these systems are self accepted and allowed yes you are fully responsible, to say that you are the only one that can take control of you as a system as the selfaccepted and allowed system, so change is from within as the system

to add to this you are the life essence that powers the system through participation in system aka stimulation of manifestations already in place.

The key is to realise that you are not limited to these systems (selfaccepted limitations) and that you are the physical and to become it fully and completely so you are not seperate from your human physical body but you embody you as the life essence that you really are.

"did you choose to become a system" Ehr how do you choose without choosing? And is the fact wether you chose or not to become who you are now relevant to taking selfresponsibility for what you have accepted and allowed? to really tackle the illusion of choice is to see that you dont really choose but you do participate so the choice is in accepting and allowing every moment to continue as is or to stop self and forgive self and become the living statement of you without the self realised, self forgiven self abuse to become the living realisation of life as all life.

Choice is only choice when we choose it to be, so when it is conveniant we say i chose this, but it isnt choice it would happen anyway or you couldnt choose it, the other stuff you believe to choose is mostly because of the preprogrammed design you believe yourself to be as the mind consciousness system in and as the human physical body.

when you are here as life, what would you need choice for? what is there to choose? you are already here as the living realisation as all as one as equal? what choice?

when you choose it can only be from a defined point of view, meaning i choose as something for something else or i choose as this what i believe myself to be as something else that fits my current description aka definition.

Choosing life means to realise yourself as life and stopping to choose something else but returning to you as who you really are choosing as life for life, now what will you choose? what will you stand for as life? As all life? what other choice can it be but to have all life choose as all life for life? When this happens what choice is left? When we realise all life as one as equals, what choice is there to make by anyone? How can choice exist? Isnt choice simply the self deception of having to seperate things where one is prefered or better then the other? doesnt that mean that by choosing you effectively leave less stuff for others to choose? is that choice?

Does choice exists or is it just a cold calculation of mind consciousness systems perceiving themselves to be more then or not equal to what has manifested or what is PRESENTed?

can choice exist when one realises all as one as equal?

Is there such a thing as choosing something better then or more then?

A side note is, some choice you make are to support you in and as your human physical body but basicly all that has manifested is from abuse and seperation so now we have to choose as we have seperated ourselves from that wich is the reality and the world we live in doesnt make sense at all, you dont choose when you eat food, without it you die, you cant choose to those things. You have to support yourself but you dont have to participate in the illusion of choice and free will as you are life that expresses as all life and free will and choice defined as such is not of life, but of preprogrammed designed mind consciousness systems, manifested in plane sight as the coins of money and the zero and one system we use, the system of logic and zEROS. Life is all choices here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5LCDUclO-8 Created?